Look at how funny I am

Its gadget, bitch.

Fri, 24 Jun 2011 10:31:45 -0400

whats up nonexistant readers, its aaron. but it’s not. it’s gadget. understand that and you understand what you’re reading. im a barista, im alot quirky, im funny as hell, screw the title…im not kind of funny, im a laugh fucking riot when i want to be.

go go gadget jokes.

I’m so happy this exists.

Sun, 22 Aug 2010 10:28:20 -0400

I’m so happy this exists.

Every dollar helps

Sat, 05 Jun 2010 19:17:11 -0400

PLease sponsor me as I ride in the American Diabetes association Bikeride

http://main.diabetes.org/site/TR/TourdeCure/GreaterNewYorkCityArea?px=5848124&pg=personal&fr_id=6848

ineverbetthefettman: Smodcast (The best podcast besides the...

Wed, 02 Jun 2010 00:22:27 -0400

ineverbetthefettman:

Smodcast (The best podcast besides the ricky gervais one) is Kevin Smith and his producer Scott Mosier just talking about random shit, and its hilarious. Here’s there third animation, and its definitely the best one yet. Forgeticus!

lol made this

Tue, 01 Jun 2010 23:01:45 -0400

lol made this

my goatee is boss

Sun, 30 May 2010 12:21:14 -0400

my goatee is boss

The Belaggio (i'm not sure where to take this from here.)

Tue, 25 May 2010 11:16:23 -0400

“The sunset has this kind of alien glow to it from just this spot, ya know”, sighed Max.

“I feel ya man, I miss her too”, Hank consoled. But no words were going to make Max feel better about losing Emily. They weren’t involved at all, but he felt this sort of sisterly connection to her, it was an inexplicable bond that formed in only a few hours of getting to know her, and he was positive that she didn’t feel it.

That didn’t matter to him, he only wanted her company. “Fuck damn it Hank! Where did it go wrong?!” shouted Max. “We had everything planned. It was all so exactly. For fuck sake, she planned it. She should have known it best. FUCK”, Max shouted as he threw his brandy against the mirrored glass of the Bellagio’s walls. Then there they were, two men standing in front of some shattered glass waiting on the third to arrive and shatter some more.

Hank knew that this job was gonna end badly, but this time he wasn’t in the driver’s seat, so he was going to keep quiet until it was absolutely necessary to speak up. That means he’s about to die, or kill. More likely the ladder then the first. In any case he wasn’t in charge now. He had to take the backseat for this one.

A new kid, Max, created the idea for this one that Hank personally wished that he thought up himself. That’s not to say that he was jealous of the new kid, it was just that this is something he had always wanted to do, but had yet to have the materials. He was happy that this was going to get done.

He looked at his watch which read 12:30. That was the meet up time. He was there, so where were the others? Then out of the corner of his eye he saw two huge dust trails trailing behind a dune buggy. One was made by an all black escalade and the other by a turquoise jaguar x-type. He knew the buggy. He knew it well. The driver of that godforsaken hunk of shit was an old army pal, Matt .they served together in Nigeria, a secret operation that only the men who were there knew of. And even they knew the bare minimum. Matt pulled up the long strip of Nevada sand first. He smiled at Hank, showing his sand laden teeth. He removed his vintage aviation style goggles from his eyes, leaving two enormous sand less vacuums on Matt’s cranium, this almost made Hank laugh. As Matt hopped out of his dune buggy, it coughed, sputtered, and died. Matt went over and yelled, “Miserable fucking bug. You are a worthless piece of shit that nobody will ever love or want. You are a filthy filthy whore.” Then just as he kicked it, it came back to life almost immediately. “See there Hank, all she needed was a little encouragement.”

“Nice to see you too Matt. I hope you treat your women better then that”

“It’s one and the same for me ol boy.”

They shook hands, said their codes to each other and just like that, it was like Nigeria all over again. Only this time, the team was two people bigger. Just then the jaguar pulled up. As the door to the car opened Matt said, “I bet you five bucks I nail her before you do. “ Hank said nothing, he just waited to see what emerged from the car.

As each leg grazed the trim of the car on the way down to the desert floor, Hank noticed that there was something beyond just an explosives expert here. There was more charisma, more style, more…..elegance. The high heels hit the dried out earth and made dust clouds of their own. As Hank took all this in, he realized that he had only seen her from waist down. This was bad news for him. He knew that he would hate her immediately. Why? He doesn’t work well with women.

Emily shot the pair a look as if she was out to kill the two of them, and for all they knew, she was.

“Hi. I’m Emily, explosives expert, and you…please stop checking out my legs. Let’s get down to business. Where’s the other one?

“Right behind you. I’m Max. Let’s get down to business.”

Matt and Hank shot quizzical looks at each other, but they were already in for the ride.

Max folded out a collapsible table and laid the blueprints across the smooth surface. He announced loudly and confidently, “this is our plan. We are here because something was taken from us. We each want that back. Luckily I was able to contact each of you so that we may combine out interests and convert them in to one smooth ass plan. Let’s each steak our claim right here and right now. Me, I want to get the technology that was stolen from me. I invented and patented a grappling hook that was stolen by Goodman inc. I want it back and I want it now. Lets start with you there goggles. What do you want?”

“uh…I was bored. I was tired of the shit on television, and decided that it was time for more action. But wait a second…..you planned this whole job so we can get a lawn dart on a string?”

“It’s much more advanced than that. It had to pull you up too. Never before has there been this kind of technology.”

“this cheeky asshole right here is gonna try to send us to our deaths so that he can be like bloody batman! That’s fucked! But im surprisingly attracted to the idea. “

“Its not like batman at all….but im glad that you’re in . Emily welcome aboard. As the explosives expert you have much to bring to the table. Let’s hear what you get in return for this.”

“I want the money. Plain and simple. And a drink. Can I get that?”

Hank takes out his binoculars, unscrews the two eye pieces and hands them to Emily. “one sides gin, the other whiskey.”

“thanks midnight cowboy.” She says as she hands the binoculars back. “What do you get out of this?”

“Satisfaction. I want my name to go clean. If this is done right I’ll be able to do that.”

“Excellent” says Max, “Now that we all know each other well enough to call each other nicknames, we can get down to the nitty gritty. So here’s the plan. …”

They talked deep into the afternoon until the sun set on them. There was nothing in that desert. Nothing and them. It was the perfect spot to start. So they did. From that moment on the job was on, it was always on, but now they had the affirmation that they all needed.

It was starting. Emily and Max were in place, and the fact that neither of them could see Hank or Matt meant that they were in place too. Max, never being one for silence started to talk to Emily, which gave him the confidence he needed for this job.

“So how did you wind up getting into a shit storm like this?”

“Let’s not talk.”

“Well aren’t you the friendly sort. Tell you what, I’ll talk, you listen and that’ll work out just fine for me.”

Emily nodded.

“ See, I want my tool back. I want it back now. I’ve always had this problem though. I tend to get irrationally angry when things are done against me. I mean there’s a natural element of anger one is expected to adopt when he, or she, is wronged, but I get really really pissed. For instance I once threw a bellhop through a glass table just because he decided not to bring me back change. “

Emily said nothing.

“The way I figure it, he took money out of my hand. I gave him a chance to redeem himself because I’m a fair person, but all he could say is sorry, and that’s not really an explanation. So here I am, talking to a stature of a woman, might as well be the Venus de Milo, waiting for the first step. When all this goes downs, I’ll be ready. At the end though, I’ll need to take care of some side shit you know?”

“What kind of side shit?

“Oh, look who joined the party. It’s nothing that you are involved in.”

“What kind of side shit?” she coldly repeated.

“I’m a man of first impressions and no second chances, so I’m not chancing any of this. I’ve taken it upon myself to go the extra mile to really fuck these guys over. All you need to do is get out of there at exactly 2:03. No matter what alright?”

“What about the other two?”

“They got the same message earlier”

“When?”

“It doesn’t matter when, just get your pretty ass out of that building by 2:03 alright?”

“Sure.”

As Max continued talking to her, she couldn’t help but notice the subtle way he had hit on her. He had called her the Venus de Milo. As an art lover, Emily couldn’t help but wince, which was her way of smiling.

She unraveled the cords to the already laid out charges that Max had her place 4 hours ago. The detonator was in her hand and her finger was feeling twitchy.

***

Emily was a very complicated person. There were two parts of her that could not be spotted by anyone unless they were constantly monitoring each other, which is exactly what happened before her first heartbreak. She was living with her boyfriend Joey and she was a cold as she ever was. She thought that he was the only one to truly understand her, so she grew particularly attached to him, though she’d never tell. The only time that she ever really opened up to him was when she found out that he had cheated on her. In that same day she placed the picture she had drawn of him in his car. She liked to draw. She thought that this was the oddest part about her. While she had a passion to destroy, she had an equal passion to create.

Strapped to the back of the framed drawing was just a little over two pounds of C4 explosive. She almost waited until he drove out of the driveway to hit the button. Almost.

***

In the distance, a motorcade of close to 14 cars, led by a dune buggy, sped past a small town neatly causing enough wind to start a storm. “Matt is ape shit insane”, thought Hank. One of the scariest thing’s Hank had ever seen was the devilish grin on Matt’s face as he floored the foot shaped pedal on the piece of shit bug.

Matt thought that Hank was too uptight. He wouldn’t even emote anything. The truth was Matt was so far from insane that it made him go crazy. Matt could process a million situations in half a second, and that scared him so much that he was forced to take himself to an institution. He ran an underground black market at the “happy house”, from which he profited with a total of fourteen rubebrbands, three band aids, and one SS Bouncing Betty mine. Matt was standing just a little too close to the mine when the nurse triggered it, and as a result he lost a little of his hearing. He had only set it as a joke, and on one else really got it. He decided to read lips and never tell anyone because it would mess with his career. So he donned a british accent to mask the fact that he had bit off a bit of his tongue in that same blast.

Science fucking rules

Sun, 23 May 2010 21:40:01 -0400

Science fucking rules

Yum

Fri, 21 May 2010 15:16:17 -0400

Earlier today, in the small town of Whocares, Idaho, Edward Taila, a local volunteer fireman ran into his greatest fear. It was during the tetra-annual three legged relay race, when Edward and his lovely wife, Jenna, had just taken the lead. The start of the sixteen mile race went off without a hitch. The rope that tied the couple together started to chafe Jenna, but this is normal behavior for a rope. The way to avoid rope to ankle chafing is to wear high socks. This being Jenna’s first lengthy three legged race, she had no knowledge of the severe dangers of chafing. This was an ever present concern to the young couple for the first six miles, but they did not let that get them down. The race was going as planned, when out of nowhere, in the thirteenth mile, the couple ran into a 200 pound cheese block. This may not appear to be intimidating for the average human, but Edward suffers from the extremely rare, fromageiphobia. That’s right; Edward has a crippling fear of cheese and cheese products. From Brie to Gruyere, Ed cannot stomach the sight, taste, or smell of this particular dairy product. When asked in an interview that occurred after the race, Ed said, “I just fucking hate cheese. When I was younger my mother would cook all cheese based dishes. No matter how I begged, she would still make cheese covered broccoli, cheesy hot chocolate, and the worst of them all, cheese covered cheese fondue.” After every other couple had finished the race, Ed and Jenna Tailia remained behind to receive an incomplete. Three days later, Ed’s father died of disappointment.

Sweet.

Fri, 21 May 2010 15:13:17 -0400

Sweet. That’s what comes to mind when I think of you. But not that goody goody sweet. You are like a bittersweet chocolate. No, that’s all wrong. You are like dark chocolate with hints of red pepper. You are subtly sugary, with a fierce kick towards the end that always leaves a smile on my face. That’s just what it’s like being near you. To hold your hand would be like diabeetus.

The way you laugh, specifically at my jokes makes me feel more important than the president, and he’s black. I watch your eyes squeeze tenderly as your lips part to let forth a trumpet like blast of joy and laughter. There’s nothing I want more then to be with you .

I am smitten with you.

an old note i once wrote

Fri, 21 May 2010 15:11:37 -0400

I want you to know that there is a lot in this world that I’m unsure of. Is there a god? Is there luck? Why are there wars? There are so many unknowns, that sometimes they overwhelm my mind. I want you to know this because when I get back from wherever I’ve been, you find a way to make all these things seem insignificant. The shadow of your beauty makes the afterlife seem like “soup or salad?” I’m not great with words, but if there was a way to express how I feel in the proper medium, the stars would spell out new words on a nightly basis. You mean a lot to me, and I can’t tell how you think of me. So you see why this is anonymous. Please don’t see this as dramatic, or something to affect your daily life, but instead, think of this as a pleasantry that can only result in a smile.

Talk to you soon.

Deedledeedledee

Sat, 08 May 2010 19:32:38 -0400

What is your favorite band?

"God dang it bobby, let’s leave this jackass festival”-Hank Hill"

Wed, 05 May 2010 19:54:21 -0400

““God dang it bobby, let’s leave this jackass festival”-Hank Hill”

This is the best song that has ever been written for a...

Tue, 04 May 2010 11:59:46 -0400

This is the best song that has ever been written for a commercial.

So badass.

Sun, 02 May 2010 12:41:27 -0400

So badass.

Where is the doctor!?

Sat, 01 May 2010 21:34:48 -0400

there is nothing in this world that i enjoy more then doctor who. it is my pleasure of pleasures. the plot is so well constructed for each episode and i can’t get enough of them.

please out of sheer kindness buy this for me someone. i know it wont happen.

https://www.jrstoyworld.com/product_info.php?products_id=1156

YES.

Sat, 01 May 2010 19:03:17 -0400

YES.

Dopplebangers(n.)

Fri, 30 Apr 2010 14:12:11 -0400

doppelbangersAPRIL 24

A person who has sexual intercourse with someone that looks identical to them but is not related.Omg they both have bowl cuts and are 6 feet tall. TOTAL doppelbangers.

Drew tells his story about the camp nurse

Thu, 29 Apr 2010 21:22:19 -0400

Drew tells his story about the camp nurse

An attempt at cuteness

Thu, 29 Apr 2010 21:19:19 -0400

The human mind is fragile, but when you are near, it’s stronger then steel.

If dead is how I always look, then alive is how you make me feel.

To be with you is a gift of fate, there’s always love and never hate

Though my soul yearns to be near yours, I’ll have to rhyme with orange.